AMPED

okay, so I was just reading articles debating Palin/McCain and Obama/Biden. I know there are people out there who support the Republican "ME FIRST" egocentric bullshit, but it still shocks me EVERY TIME I see those sentiments in black and white. And to echo many voices so far: if it takes me giving a little more of my money (when I actually have a decent job making more money) so that my fellow HUMAN BEINGS in America can have health care, then YES-- TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY. Yes, please make sure there aren't millions of children, sick and dying, whose parents have to look them in the eye and just say, "I'm sorry."

Trying to move on from my ears literally BURNING WITH OUTRAGE... I'm going to rant about something completely different-- women who suddenly want to be "one of the guys". (this really has nothing to do with Palin, so put her out of your head or this will get confusing.)

Basically, it drives me catpiss crazy when all of a sudden the prissy little bitches, who MOCKED ME in adolescence for having all guy friends, wake up one day and proclaim, "Oh, I'm totally one of the guys!" WHAT THE FUCK?! Does something happen when you hit the College stage of life that suddenly makes it OKAY to be 'one of the guys'? COOL even? Because it's like an unavoidable STD these girls become infected with as soon as they set foot on a college campus. Nevermind the fact that as a kid they would call me "Timmy", or make jokes about me not really being a girl... or whatever else they might have been saying in their nail-painting-hen-parties while I was playing football with-- gasp-- the BOYS. NOW it's okay, encouraged even, to be a part of the sausage party... and not just as their receiving hole...

Well, ladies, you aren't fooling me! I can spot you girls anywhere... I can smell you out like a crack sniffing dog. You are like bad acid I took as a kid that is coming back in awful flashbacks in my adulthood. Many times you even make the attempt to dress in a way you feel will be conducive to being "one of the guys". Jeans and a t-shirt? Sure... oh oh... but what's that? You forgot to take off your strand of pearls (or single-pearl earrings)-- silly! Oh, I know... a hat- THAT will prove I'm totally down with the boys! But waaait... knowing the rules of football-- much less actually throwing one around-- might confuse you, or break one of your perfectly manicured fingernails. That is not to say that girls who take care of themselves in some way cannot have guy friends, or to say that girls who can have a catch with the boys are unkempt and dirty... it IS to say, though, that there is a BREED of girls arriving on the scene with a manufactured "I-like-totally-have-a-ton-of-guy-friends" look. AND IT DRIVES ME FUCKING INSANE!

Furthermore, when I am told that I'm "one of the guys" for any reason- I am not EXCITED. I don't think, "Oh gee, how lucky am I to be knighted with such a title!" No, in fact, what I think is, "Actually, I'm just a girl who happens to like video games." or beer. or football. or ultimate fighting. And, no, this doesn't make me "one of the guys", this makes me have friends with SIMILAR INTERESTS. Don't tell me you're jealous of my male relationships, which many girls have throughout my life. Go find guys who share YOUR interests if you want them as friends. NEWSFLASH: NOT ALL GUYS LIKE SPORTS, VIDEO GAMES, AND BEER. I happen to like those things, and have friends of both sexes who also like those things. Don't act like I helped Lewis and Clark by discovering some uncharted territory because I have befriended another human being. Then again, maybe it's shocking to your breed that I am able to maintain a relationship with a person who has a penis-- AND THAT PENIS NEVER ENTERS AN ORIFICE OF MY BODY.

And lastly, my final peeve-- and breaking point-- is when these girls feel they're on the precipice of "male bonding" and boldly declare "I'M ONE OF THE GUYS". If this sentence, or any variation of it EVER HAS OR EVER DOES stumble across your lips, guess what... YOU'RE NOT. You are NOT one of them. If you need to utter this sentence, you're trying to convince yourself, as well as the people around you, that you have... what? Broken through the glass ceiling? You, and you alone, were able to overcome the great divide, walk on water, and BEFRIEND MEN?! Pathetic. And you know what I have to say about it? Suck it. That's right. To all of you who decide that NOW, after so many years of me taking your BULLSHIT, that being one of the guys is cool... EAT SHIT. They don't actually like you. They aren't your friends. And they only let you be their pong partner in hopes that because you suck so bad, you'll lose, have to drink a shit-ton of "icky beer" and your legs will magically open to them, allowing them entrance to THEIR ONLY REASON FOR SPENDING COUNTLESS HOURS WITH YOU EXPLAINING WHAT THE GUYS IN TIGHT PANTS AND HELMETS ARE DOING RUNNING AROUND ON THAT LINED FIELD.